The only things we can learn in life, Eric Bailey says, are the things we don’t know.
But first, we have to be open to the idea that we don’t know everything, the communications consultant told a session titled “The Cure for Stupidity: Understanding Why They Don’t Understand You” at NCSL’s 2024 Legislative Summit.
“The goal is to be willing to learn anything,” Bailey says. “When you have a choice to meet someone who’s going to say, ‘Yeah, I know,’ or someone who says, ‘I can’t wait to learn that from you’—who are you going to talk to? The whole point is to engage each other in relationships. And when someone is curious, we want to relate with them more.”
Bailey, author of “The Cure for Stupidity” and president of Bailey Strategic Innovation Group, says the “illusion of certainty” makes us believe that we know everything, which means we can’t learn anything.
“Communication does not happen when the message is sent. Communication happens when the message is received.”
—Eric Bailey, communications consultant
“What would the world look like if instead of pretending that we know everything all the time, what if we celebrated that we had something to learn?” he says. “What if someone says something that challenges us and instead of saying, ‘No, I know you’re wrong,’ what if we got curious about them and said, ‘Ooh, there might be something to learn about them or their perspective or their upbringing or something’? I truly believe we can change the world with curiosity and less judgment.”
Bailey says it’s important to remember that perception does not equal reality. “My perception is the way I believe it to be. My perception is my worldview, my perception is my truth. And I put truth in quotes here, folks, because truth does not equal fact.”
Your perception might differ from someone else’s, and perception guides behavior, Bailey says. So they’re going to behave differently than you would.
“Which brings us to one of the most important things you can learn in all of communication: What you say or what you do matters less than what they hear or what they feel. They’re going to base their reactions on what they heard you say, their perceptions.
“So, if I want to communicate more effectively, I need to learn how to communicate in a way that you can hear more effectively what I said or what I want to communicate,” Bailey says. “Communication does not happen when the message is sent. Communication happens when the message is received.”
He says when people interact with the world differently than we do, our first thought is, “One, I’m right. Two, you are wrong. And three, I am certain. And we hold on with the illusion of certainty, and we can’t even allow the possibility that something else may exist.”
To better engage with others, Bailey recommends “radical curiosity: the idea that we want to understand the human across from us before expecting to be understood. A lot of times we get in conversation, we say, ‘I’m willing to hear you, but you need to hear me first. I’m willing to listen, but you need to listen first.’ And if we’re both saying that at each other, no one listens. This is what we’re used to.”
Bailey’s solution: Append four words—“But I want to.”
“I don’t know why you did it that way, but I want to. I don’t understand why you think that’s the right solution, but I want to. And when you do that, you put yourself in the position of the learner,” he says.
When you assume the position of a learner, you lower your power position in the conversation, Bailey says. And when you lower your power, they lower their defenses.
“As you go about your daily life, you’re going to see things like the illusion of certainty … you’re going to see perception is more important than reality. You’re going to see opportunities to connect our humanity,” he says. “And when you see these things, I want them to be a reminder to you—there’s more left for us to learn. Stay radically curious.”
Lisa Ryckman is NCSL’s associate director of communications.